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Saturday, 21 November 2015

#DearBuki: Help! I'm Not Attracted To Him.

Hello dear blog readers, how has your day been? I have started a column tagged #DearBuki where you can send whatever issues weighing on your minds and I would do my best to proffer solutions to them by giving my opinion and showing other perspectives to them. I do a lot of these guidance and counselling offline so I felt the need to bring it on my blog. 

Do send me an email on and we will put heads together. Check out the other posts here.
As they say, a problem shared, is a problem half solved................ :)


Dear Buki,

So here is my situation, that I need a bit of advice on. I think I know the answer. But I want to get out of my own head & thoughts for a bit. 

So it's been a year since my marriage ended and it was a painful & difficult break up. It's been a big readjustment to a lot of things. However, one of the things that keep coming up is the issue of relationship or getting back into one.  A part of me feels like I need more time to settle myself and get things back on track, especially since I have a small daughter.

Now I have men that approach me all the time, some for good and others for evil. I have a good friend who I've known for about a while now, and he states that he likes me and would like us to get married. He has made his feelings and intentions clear, at first I thought he was joking but he is actually very serious.  Now he is not a bad person. He is a Godly man, we speak about God a lot, actually 80% of our conversations are around God. He says the right things, he would do what he can for me and give me anything I want.  

But I’m not attracted to him and whenever he tries to touch me I flinch or become tense. I don't know what to do, I've tried. But I’m still flinching.  I don't have that desire for him. I am not sure if he knows. But he says he is the right man, and he believes God wants our relationship, shoot he even thinks we should get married!!!  

I do feel a little pressured as I am not sure am ready if I am ready for any kind of relationship beyond friendship. He says he is a good man, and that I should consider things. And all the rest of the language that comes with it.  He's a good man am not in doubt about that.  But I don't know if he is the man for me.

So what do I do? Is not being physically attracted to someone enough not to pursue the relationship? Will the attraction come after a while?  Should I give it a try just incase he is the man for me and I miss my chance? 

Am kinda confused and not sure what to do.


Thank you.


Dear Nancy,

Thank you for sharing your concerns. Good men are rare to come by these days but great sex is very important in every relationship to avoid stories that touch. In my own opinion, being in a relationship with someone you are not attracted to is a no-no unless the person is a relative of a platonic friend. You shouldn’t feel pressured or coerced into a relationship with anyone you don’t see yourself sexually attracted to. Flinching at his touch raises red flags for me, because it indicates you are far from the same level of attraction with him.

If he says he’s gotten clearance from God, have you? God speaks to us all when we listen so don’t believe that story unless you hear it yourself from Jah Himself. Also how is he all Godly yet willing to fornicate with you? Pardon my seemingly self-righteousness, but I don’t buy into stuff like that. I’m no saint myself, but I would rather people lay their cards on the table rather than hide behind their religion. Then again, what do I know? Christianity has taken a whole new dimension in modern times.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand are you willing to give up the big ‘O’ for mere platonic relationship or would you rather fake the ‘O’s’ in order to keep your relationship with him? If he was suggesting dating without intimacy and allowing the love blossom, I wouldn’t mind. That could work out well, but to get intimate when you are not feeling him, is rather awkward and you might end up detesting him for coercing you into it.

I’d say give it more time and see how it goes. You are young, smart and beautiful and you have your whole life ahead of you so take your time and get right the next time around.

I hope I have been helpful and I sincerely wish you all the best.


Buki O.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Nancy,

    Hi my name is N...first of all,i'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out, i pray God directs your part to a happy and peacefu place.
    The reality on ground is that you have to move on and in moving on you will come across all sort of guys, especially knowing that you're a fresh divorcee and a single mum at that, its a turn on for some guys.

    The fact is never get carried away with the "God fearing man card" because every man is God fearing and even your Ex is also God fearing... That call card "God fearing " has left the station long ago.don't focus on what men say,focus on what they do(actions)

    Your first guts is usually the right one.As long as you are not attracted to that man and his presence around you makes you flinch, please please let him go, dont encourage him to go on. the truth is bitter. A man will be what you want just to get you and because you want a godly man, he will be a POP for you.


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