Hello dear blog readers, how has your day been? I have started a column tagged #DearBuki where you can send whatever issues weighing on your minds and I would do my best to proffer solutions to them by giving my opinion and showing other perspectives to them. I do a lot of these guidance and counselling offline so I felt the need to bring it on my blog. Do send me an email on bukiotuyemi@gmail.com and we will put heads together. Check out the other posts here.
As they say, a problem shared, is a problem half solved................ :)
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Dear Buki,
So glad to have someone like you to share issues such as this with so that you can help proffer a candid advice. This is my situation;
It was one of those nights when you just want to chat with your hubby and as the conversation gets deeper, he began to spill out lots of issues bothering him about our relationship.
Firstly, he complained that I have neglected him since the arrival of our second baby, and that I no longer pay close attention to him like before. He also said that he can no longer find any spark in our relationship that its just always the same old things, wake up, go to work, eat, watch TV, pray and sleep.
Further more, he lamented that I'm not romantic and that he has been enduring it for some time but he can no longer endure the pain its causing him.
I do feel a bit bad that he has been suffering in silence all this while and I never had a clue. Though motherhood is very challenging and tasking but still I don't want our marriage to turn out like this and I do want to be romantic.
Please I want you to help me with tips on how to be romantic, make my hubby happy and bring back the spark in our relationship.
Thank you.
SK
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Dear SK,
I feel you and I feel for your husband as well. This issue is not peculiar to your marriage alone, it is much more rampant than we care to voice out. I have two children as well and I know the stress and strain that comes with juggling being a working woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law, a friend, a daughter, a sibling, and host of other things together all at once. It is a lot to take on, but take on we simply must.
You cannot afford to neglect your husband in all of these, you simply must not. You have to find a way to balance things without spreading yourself too thin. Don't feel bad that he's been suffering in silence because the fact is that he probably could see the pressure you're under and did not want to add to it by whining. Of course now that he has mentioned it, it means he has reached his own threshold so you have to meet him half way.
Now, to bring back the romance into your marriage, you have to be open-minded and willing to try new things. First of all, I'm glad you have both brought it to the open (between yourselves) and are willing to do something about it. Can you recall some of the fun things you both used to do together before you got married? If yes, then you need to modify and resume parts of those fun times.
Compliment his haircuts and dress styles, dress up stylishly yourself and always ensure your hair is on point. Ensure you invest in some colourful and sexy underwear and night wears. Ensure you both go out on a date night at least once in two-weeks if not weekly. This doesn't even have to cost so much but just make sure it happens. You can drive to the movies and have him drive back. You can go out to have a unique dinner that offers meals you wouldn't ordinarily make at home. There are loads of restaurants and hotels where you can make this happen on the mainland alone, let alone on the island. By asking you to go out to dinner, I hope you know this must be without the kids, right? Get your mum or a trusted nanny to watch your kids while you both go out and rediscover yourselves. Make out in the car before you go inside your house (ignore your nosy neighbours and get your groove on hun;)
Drop handwritten love notes for him. Call him pet names, rub his head while he is driving, hold hands and smile into each other's eyes.
On occasional nights, after the kids are asleep, dim the lights, light up some scented candles, play some soft music and just cuddle or dance or both. Also, add more new sex style to your list when that time comes. Not overtime, missionary style sometimes try the scissors, space explorer, snake in the money shadow sef, etc. :)
The fact is, you must to these things not just for him, but for yourself as well. You have to love yourself and make yourself happy and satisfied always. When you are happy and content within yourself, it oozes outwards and sets you aglow.
p.s I expect you to show him parts of this post and tell him I said it works both ways. Marriage is about two people, always looking out for themselves. It is not easy being a mother and a wife, so he must assist you as much as possible. Being romantic is not a job for one person, he must do his bit too. He should take some of the tips above or email me to give him some more tips on how to get you in the mood always. ;)
I sincerely wish you both all the very best. I know these tips WILL work in bringing the romance back into your marriage. Let me know how it goes over time. :)
Thanks.
Buki O.
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Dear SK,
I feel you and I feel for your husband as well. This issue is not peculiar to your marriage alone, it is much more rampant than we care to voice out. I have two children as well and I know the stress and strain that comes with juggling being a working woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law, a friend, a daughter, a sibling, and host of other things together all at once. It is a lot to take on, but take on we simply must.
You cannot afford to neglect your husband in all of these, you simply must not. You have to find a way to balance things without spreading yourself too thin. Don't feel bad that he's been suffering in silence because the fact is that he probably could see the pressure you're under and did not want to add to it by whining. Of course now that he has mentioned it, it means he has reached his own threshold so you have to meet him half way.
Now, to bring back the romance into your marriage, you have to be open-minded and willing to try new things. First of all, I'm glad you have both brought it to the open (between yourselves) and are willing to do something about it. Can you recall some of the fun things you both used to do together before you got married? If yes, then you need to modify and resume parts of those fun times.
Compliment his haircuts and dress styles, dress up stylishly yourself and always ensure your hair is on point. Ensure you invest in some colourful and sexy underwear and night wears. Ensure you both go out on a date night at least once in two-weeks if not weekly. This doesn't even have to cost so much but just make sure it happens. You can drive to the movies and have him drive back. You can go out to have a unique dinner that offers meals you wouldn't ordinarily make at home. There are loads of restaurants and hotels where you can make this happen on the mainland alone, let alone on the island. By asking you to go out to dinner, I hope you know this must be without the kids, right? Get your mum or a trusted nanny to watch your kids while you both go out and rediscover yourselves. Make out in the car before you go inside your house (ignore your nosy neighbours and get your groove on hun;)
Drop handwritten love notes for him. Call him pet names, rub his head while he is driving, hold hands and smile into each other's eyes.
On occasional nights, after the kids are asleep, dim the lights, light up some scented candles, play some soft music and just cuddle or dance or both. Also, add more new sex style to your list when that time comes. Not overtime, missionary style sometimes try the scissors, space explorer, snake in the money shadow sef, etc. :)
The fact is, you must to these things not just for him, but for yourself as well. You have to love yourself and make yourself happy and satisfied always. When you are happy and content within yourself, it oozes outwards and sets you aglow.
p.s I expect you to show him parts of this post and tell him I said it works both ways. Marriage is about two people, always looking out for themselves. It is not easy being a mother and a wife, so he must assist you as much as possible. Being romantic is not a job for one person, he must do his bit too. He should take some of the tips above or email me to give him some more tips on how to get you in the mood always. ;)
I sincerely wish you both all the very best. I know these tips WILL work in bringing the romance back into your marriage. Let me know how it goes over time. :)
Thanks.
Buki O.
Great advise
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