#DearBuki: My Son Might Not Be Mine.

Hello dear blog readers, how has your day been? I have started a column tagged #DearBuki where you can send whatever issues weighing on your minds and I would do my best to proffer solutions to them by giving my opinion and showing other perspectives to them. I do a lot of these guidance and counselling offline so I felt the need to bring it on my blog. Do send me an email on bukiotuyemi@gmail.com and we will put heads together. Check out the first post here , the second one here , the third one here , the fourth one here and the fifth one here.

As they say, a problem shared, is a problem half solved. :)

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Dear Buki, I like the matured and impartial way you have been responding to the issues brought to your attention through your blog. I follow you on twitter as well and I have seen you tackle issues with wisdom. I am a keen admirer of smart women like you and this is part of why I have chosen to send in my story and seek advice. 

Buki, I have a problem that is threatening to destroy my home and my mind. I have a suspicion that my first child might not be mine. I have been married for 5 years and we have 2 children between us. I love my wife so much but she betrayed the trust I have in her some months ago. She confessed to me that she had a child when she was much younger but did not tell me because she was afraid of losing me. The child is being raised by her mother and she has never participated in his upbringing besides sending money for his upkeep. I mean, what sort of person forgets to mention such vital information to their spouse before getting married and then waits for  four years afterwards before coming clean?

I felt so pained and disappointed in her and I still feel the same way. Who is this woman I have had by my side and given my all to for the past 5 years? No one in her family deemed it fit to mention the small fact that she had a child to me.  The discovery almost made me lose my mind but I overcame.
They have all been pleading with me to understand and be forgiving and God knows I have been trying to forgive her and continue with this marriage.

Well, the issue now is that my mind is playing tricks on me as I think I can see a resemblance between our first child and her first child. I know it is probably just paranoia but how can I even be sure and how can I handle this situation without rocking my children's worlds? I cannot even tell my family members or friends about these issues and suspicions because I know what their reaction would be.

Thanks.

Lami


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Dear Lami, thanks for getting in touch for my input. Hmmmn, it is quite a dilemma you're in. For a person to hide such vital information from their spouse makes me want to question their character. She should have come clean about her child from the onset, rather than confess years later. I am curious as to what made her come clean when she did. Is it that she feels more comfortable that you could handle the revelation when she 'fessed up rather than prior? Or was she being threatened/blackmailed/coerced into doing so? 

I really like the fact that you are kind enough to forgive her indiscretion and tried to get past it. It is however expected that doubts would rise every now and then because of the seed of dishonesty she has sown. The both of you need to see a proper marriage counsellor if you really want to make this work. I will enquire and pass on the information to you via email. I also think you need to sit her down and let her know what your concerns are. Perhaps taking a DNA test would allay your fears and help you move forward better and quicker. There are some pretty good DNA centres in Lagos and it takes about 10 days for the results to come back. They are 99% accurate, so have no fear.

I understand your reluctance in sharing the betrayal with your family members because they will most likely be less tolerable of her. It takes a really mature mind to do this and it proves that you still care about her deeply enough to protect her reputation with them. Keep it this way for a bit more until the DNA results come back and even afterwards unless there's no way to salvage your marriage.

I am really sorry for your troubles and I hope you can resolve all the issues as quickly as possible.

All the best Lami.

Buki O.