Here's another beautiful piece from Toyin Femi-Akinlade. Her articles have been featured on here several times and she's an absolutely fantastic writer. Lessons like these, which she's written about below, need to be shared and learned from.
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"
It is better to go to the house of mourning than feasting for that is the end
of all men..."
Ecclessiastes
7:2
I often hear people say when
they hear of someone that just lost a loved one that they do not know how to
commiserate with the bereaved. Particularly if the deceased either died
untimely or in very sad or painful circumstances.
I felt this same way two years
ago when a dear cousin lost her husband untimely exactly two weeks after their
daughter's first birthday. What made his death particularly sad was because
they had only been married for just 4 years and she got married when she was
well in her 30's. Married late as we say in this part. My first reaction when I
heard was, 'How do I begin to console
her? What do I even say to her?'
I also lost my dad not too
long ago and like they say in my part of the country; 'We see even through our tears
(Ti a ba n sunkun, a ma riran)'. I observed the many
shenanigans of people who came on condolence visits to our family. Talk about the good, bad and
ugly. While some had comforting words, gave helping hands, some would have been
better off not visiting.
This is what has
prompted this write up. These are a few
tips I think people will find handy when going to visit the bereaved:
. Keep quiet if you don't
have anything reassuring to say. Silence is golden remember?
. Offer a shoulder to lean on
or your arms to hug and your hanky handy (clean ones please).
. Let the bereaved cry out.
Don't try to make them suppress the tears. Don't try to control how people
grieve. I cannot stress this enough. Some people will tell you, you have a
lifetime to mourn so you shouldn't go overboard by crying your eyes out for
days. If they need to cry or yell out please let them. Yes it may not bring
back the dead but it's healing for the soul. Where caution is necessary is when
that is all the bereaved wants to do.
. Don't lie or try to say
flattering things about the deceased thinking you are comforting the bereaved.
By all means be sincere in whatever you have to say.
. You could play a song.
Music is therapeutic trust me. Something cool, soft and inspiring. Gospel music
for the Christians or just good old jazz instrumentals. The choir in my dad's
church came and sang a couple of his favourite hymns in Acapella style. That
visit is one that left an indelible mark in our hearts. As we listened to them
sing particularly the hymn, Peace Be Still, we were comforted and
knew in that instant he was indeed in a better place free from the pain and
discomfort he suffered in his dying days.
. When the bereaved feels
better make them ride on the wave of the moment. They have a lifetime to mourn the
loss of their loved one don't spoil a fine moment by drawing their attention
back to it.
. Help out with something.
House chores if you can. Take something along whenever you go visit. Money,
food etc.
. Give sound counsel that
will make the bereaved look beyond their loss, see the silver lining in the
cloud.
. Say a prayer. I know the
not so religious people may question this but really and truly a prayer
sincerely said is so reassuring. It doesn't have to be loud. Just hugging the
bereaved and whispering the words of prayer in their ears is enough. Though you
can only do this if you are close to any member of the grieving family. A
particular man of God visited us and as is the usual custom, he prayed with us
before taking his leave. He said his prayers in Yoruba and forgive me but this
has to be the deepest language in the world. He in his prayers listed out many
reasons we had to be thankful for our father's life. Things that even we didn't
notice making us realize like we say in my language that, ' He who thinks deeply
will surely have reasons to give thanks ' (Eni ba monu ro a mope da).'
His prayers were as though
someone wrapped a blanket around one on a very cold night. I felt this way.
Every of my siblings and mum felt the same way too.
. Please do not force
tradition down people's throats. I wish I could yell this from a rooftop. There
are some things I believe civilization should have taken from us. This is me
speaking generally as thankfully we didn't have to deal with this. This is the
21st century!!! 'Nuff said.
These are just a few tips and
are by no means exhaustive. If you have more, please do share.
Article by: Toyin Femi-Akinlade
Email: toyinakinlade@gmail.com
Article by: Toyin Femi-Akinlade
Email: toyinakinlade@gmail.com
Toyin this is truly inspiring. May we be the 'soothing' word that bringeth succor to a weary heart.
ReplyDeleteBless u sis.
Very nice
ReplyDelete