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Tuesday, 15 September 2015

#DearBuki: Help! I Have A Crush On My Houseboy

Hello dear blog readers, how has your day been? I have started a column tagged #DearBuki where you can send whatever issues weighing on your minds and I would do my best to proffer solutions to them by giving my opinion and showing other perspectives to them. I do a lot of these guidance and counselling offline so I felt the need to bring it on my blog. Do send me an email on and we will put heads together. Check out the first post here , the second one here , the third one here and the fourth one here.

As they say, a problem shared, is a problem half solved. :)

Dear Buki, I am about to get into trouble with my emotions. I have tried to resist this, trust me, but it is getting difficult by the day. Before anyone judges or insults me, let me just clarify that I am the least promiscuous person. I was a virgin when I met my husband and I lost my virginity to him. He is the only man I have ever been with and loved until this moment where lust seems have taken over my senses. 

The genesis of all this is the fact that I discovered that my husband is very randy and promiscuous. I have cried, pleaded, fought, screamed, begged, wept, prayed, everything you can think of to save my marriage and keep him satisfied, I have done Buki but to no avail. He drinks heavily and womanises. He comes home very late at night and makes the weirdest demands. I cater to his whims because I love him. We have a son together and he is the only thing keeping me insane right now. 

To cut the long story short, we got a houseboy a few months ago. He is a very dependable young man and he is filling the void my husband leaves open daily. He helps my son with his homework and teaches him sports, he assists me in the house and he has caught me weeping a few times and offered me handkerchiefs each time. 

The issue now is that I am suddenly starting to see him in a different light. I think I am getting attracted to him because I miss his absence whenever we are apart. I cannot understand the feelings and I don't know what to do about them.

Thank you.



Dear Boma, are you ready to risk losing your marriage and possibly your son's respect over a crush? The truth is that your marriage is in deep trouble and unless the underlying issues are properly addressed, you may get into very serious trouble. I think you and your husband need to go see a proper marriage counsellor (yes, we do have them in Nigeria) ASAP and if you can forgive his past indiscretion, you might still be able to salvage your union. You cheating with your house-help will not make things any better and you would be stooping to conquer. You must deal with the issues at hand (your husband) as I suspect that is the real reason for this new found crush. Your unhappy marriage is a trigger to other things that might end up in many shades of unpleasantness.

Now to the issue of your house-help, there's a saying in Yoruba which translates to "do not sniff what you won't eat". While Potiphar's wife (in the Bible) was able to get away with trying to seduce her husband's house-help (Joseph) you might not be so lucky simply because we have all sorts of technology to oust your affair these days. All he or anyone else needs to do is get a recording of you making advances towards him and boom! You're in big trouble, so stay away from him. Also, you did not indicate his age but I am hoping you have more sense than to be crushing on a minor. 

Only a few days ago, I learnt from some male colleagues that having sex with another man in his own house is more unpardonable, and can cause you to lose your life , even more than the actual act of adultery itself. (Smh) So please be guided o. Personally, I think you should let your house-help leave your house rather fall victim to your lust. Get a house-maid instead, or a nanny.

The best thing to do however is to try to salvage your marriage or walk away from it. You do not want to raise a child in  a hostile and/or unloving environment. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. 


Buki O.

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