#DearBuki: Help! My Fiancee Watches Gay Porn.

Hello dear blog readers, how has your day been? I have started a column tagged #DearBuki where you can send whatever issues weighing on your minds and I would do my best to proffer solutions to them by giving my opinion and showing other perspectives to them. I do a lot of these guidance and counselling offline so I felt the need to bring it on my blog. Do send me an email on bukiotuyemi@gmail.com and we will put heads together. Check out the first post here , the second one here , the third one here , the fourth one here, the fifth one here and the sixth one here.

As they say, a problem shared, is a problem half solved................ :)

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Dear Buki, I love and read your blog daily even though I don't leave comments. I admire your intelligent and objective approach to issues. You are doing a very good job. Keep it up.

To the matter that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past three weeks, I do not even know how to putt into words because I am still trying to understand it myself.  I have been dating my fiancee for a year and a half now. He is a wonderful and caring man and a rare Nigerian man, when you consider the sort of reckless men out there in recent times. He is very romantic and caring and he loves my family and accepts me for who I am. He is a very good lover too, well hung and all that. He is every woman's dream.

The problem is this, 3 weeks ago, he gave me his phone to forward some pictures to myself and while in his gallery, I came across a pornographic video. Buki, it was not an ordinary guy-girl or guy+2girls porn video. It was a video of two men having sex. I was so shocked and disgusted. My fiancee has always been so slightly homophobic that I have tried to make him see that gay adults have their choices and are not harming anyone but themselves, if at all. So you can imagine my shock at finding such a video on his phone. I have not said a word to him yet although I have been a bit distant and I have also been watching him. 

I am now suspicious of his male friends, wondering if he is having sex with any of them. I am a nervous wreck Buki. Please what can I do to get things back to normal in my relationship? We are supposed to get married next year and plans are already underway. Please help me.

Thank you.

Amara.

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Dear Amara, thank you for dedicatedly reading my blog and for sending in your email to assist with this burning issue.

I would be frank with you Amara and chatise you for suffering in silence for THREE whole weeks while playing inspector gadget rather than belling the cat. I have always said that COMMUNICATION is key in every sort of relationship (including friendship) rather than wallowing in misery based on assumptions. This is simply because things are very often not what they seem like until you ask and clarify. 

Has it occurred to you that perhaps someone in a (bbm or whatsapp) group he's on could have sent that video to the members as a referral to an ongoing conversation? This would mean it would be saved automatically on his phone. Also, if it is something he meant to hide, he would not have given you his phone freely, would he? Also, you don't sound like you've ever suspected him prior to stumbling on the video, surely if he's bisexual the signs would have been more obvious after almost two years of dating, no?

Things are never often what they appear to be at first glance. You must probe deeper by asking the right questions and expressing your fears and concerns clearly. Amara, try to have a conversation with your fiancee and get to know how the video came about on his phone. Also, be sure to ask him expressly if he swings both ways, without being offensive. 

I'm certain his reaction to your queries will guide you. Do let me know how it goes. 

Take care and all the best.